Breaking Dawn, the film

I’ll be perfectly honest. I never had any interest in vampires. I’ve never been able to understand the obsession our society seems to have with this phenomenon. Years ago, I had to be coaxed into watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I drew the line there, refusing to watch its spin-off, Angel (unless it was a good Spike episode). I never really got into Dark Shadows, I’ve only ever seen the Bela Lugosi version of Dracula, and I can’t understand the fascination with True Blood. I’ve tried to give it a chance, but again, the fascination escapes me.

So, as it happens, I never saw any of the Twilight films until November of 2011. I think it’s fair to say that it wasn’t just my aversion to the vampire spectacle that kept me away. It had a lot to do with the throngs of screaming teens at every new Twilight premiere. I tend to shy away from anything that prompts such a hysterical reaction. When I finally succumbed to the films, it was Thanksgiving weekend and I was spending it in the mountains of North Carolina with my best friend and her family. On Black Friday, all the women except myself went shopping. The men stayed behind and watched football on the upstairs TV. I’m not sure what I hate more: football or vampires, so I stayed downstairs, channel-surfing.

After a fruitless 30 minutes of surfing, it became clear that I wasn’t going to find anything interesting to watch. The first three Twilight films were sitting in front of me on the ottoman. I rolled my eyes and thought “*sigh* fine….I’ll watch these.” I knew Twilight was first, but I had to look at the dates on the back of the DVDs to figure out which one to watch next. God forbid I watch the Cullens and the wolves fight a vampire army before Edward ditches Bella to kill himself in Italy.

Here we are, almost a year later. While I have all the Twilight books and movies, I relentlessly heckle both the films and books a la Mystery Science Theatre. (On a side note, I think people who have only watched the films should also read the books. I actually like Bella and Edward better in the books. They're playful with each other and not always so morose and intense like they are in the films.)

I particularly enjoy heckling the film Breaking Dawn, part 1. I watch that film when I have a yen for a good comedy. Poor Bill Condon. The director behind, in my opinion, a great film like Dreamgirls gave us, in BD1 many unintentionally hilarious moments. (I can’t wait for the new Breaking Dawn film in November. What comedic bits are in store for us there?) For instance:

1)Pattypoo (my nicknamed for Robert Pattinson) sounding like Forrest Gump when says to Carlisle in front of Bella "It's breaking her bones now." I always say the line with him and add "Jenny." Sometimes I actually say it, sometimes I just add it in my head.

2) the talking wolves. Oy with the poodles, that was excruciating. Now, when I went to see BD1 I had not yet read the books, so that scene seemed to come out of nowhere. Then I read the books and thought “Oh, they communicate via telepathy.” After I read the books I understood what an important scene it was and why it needed to be in the film, but it still remains a major WTF moment for me.

3) Edward trying to save Bella by biting her all over. He looked like a cartoon character when they go to town on corn on the cob. I expected to hear a typewriter *ding* every time he hit the end and started working his way back up.

4) When Taylor Lautner took his shirt off in the opening scene of BD part I, I said in my best Chris Rock voice "Good Lawd, Taylor Lautner done took his shirt off...lookit the titties [pronounced tittehs] on him!"

While I’m on the subject of vampires, I’m weary of hearing people say things like “vampires don’t sparkle.” “Vampires don’t [whatever else they do in Twilight that they don’t do elsewhere.]” You know what else vampires don’t do? They don’t fucking exist. They are fictitious creatures. They can’t be repelled with garlic or crosses, you don’t need a nice sharp piece of wood to stick into their hearts, they don’t disintegrate when you slay them, and they don’t kill you violently. So no matter how much you would like for Bram Stoker, Joss Whedon, or even Alan Ball to be the leading and/or final authority of the vampire canon, the fact remains, vampires aren’t real. Therefore anyone can create a new vampire canon in any way that strikes their fancy. So stop bitching about what Stephenie Meyer decided to do with her vampires and move on with your life. Take up knitting or something!